T minus 2 days and counting ...

The most pointless thing about Christmas may also be my favorite: Christmas cards! Specifically, Christmas cards that are accompanied by long, detailed letters written by people I haven't spoken to in over a year in which they update me about their lives and the lives of their family and friends. I don't love these letters because I care about what these people are telling me. Nothing could be further from the truth. No, I love these letters because they showcase their authors' complete ignorance of the English language. Lately, these letters have been arriving daily and I can barely contain my excitement when the postman drops the mail off. I break out my red pen and tear into these letters, correcting grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure. Once I have thoroughly edited the letter, I give it a grade. These grades usually range from D+ to C+. I almost gave a B- to someone today, but I knocked the grade down a peg due to the author's rambling narrative.

If you are the author of one of these missives and would like to know your grade, please leave a request in the comments section below.

For those of you too shy to ask for my feedback directly, I have prepared a list of do's and don't's for next year's Christmas letter. I hope this list aids you in writing an entertaining letter that does not put me to sleep (see above).

1. Do not overuse exclamation points. One letter I reviewed used an exclamation point on 18 separate occasions. This is simply unacceptable because it dilutes the very nature of the exclamation point. If every sentences ends in one, how are you to properly convey excitement or surprise when you really need to? If you answer to that semi-rhetorical question is two exclamation points, please remove me from your mailing list.


2. Context, context, context. One of the things you all seem to be struggling with this year is understanding that the world does not revolve around you. You may know who Mike and Carla are, but don't assume that I do. In fact, assume that I don't. This is such an easy fix that it really bothers me to even bring it up. Instead of writing 'Mike and Carla came by to see me in June and it was great to see that the operation didn't affect Mike - he was the same old Mike we all know and love!!!!', why not just insert a simple parenthetical like so: 'Mike and Carla (my old parole officer and his wife) ....'? Stop being so lazy.


3. Affect vs. Effect. This never fails to amaze me. Adults don't seem to know the difference between affect and effect. Affect is a verb. Effect is a noun. Your Christmas letter was so terrible, it had the effect of making me wretch. I was so deeply affected by your Christmas letter that I wretched. See? Easy.


4. Paragraphs. Paragraphs have a topic sentence, a body, and a conclusion. Also, please note that a full page of 10 point typeface with no paragraph breaks increases the likelihood that your letter's recipients will throw it away without reading it by at least 75%.


5. Rambling. Rambling, by the way, is a bad thing. Oftentimes, your letters make me feel like I am reading the prattlings of an old woman in a dingy nursing home who spends her days waiting to die. Now, I know this usually isn't the case, so why give me reason to think it? I've given this problem a lot of thought and I can only give you this recommendation: after you've written your letter, set it aside for a week or so. Then go back to it and reread every sentence. After each sentence, ask your self whether: (i) the sentence makes you sound like an insane person; (ii) you are just talking to hear yourself talk (so to speak); and (iii) the sentences would be of any interest to the reasonable person. If the answer to any of these questions is no, delete the sentence.

I hope this helps. Do better next year.