My hands are delicious (and some other thoughts)

The other day I was laying on my play mat and swatting at that lousy parrot that continually mocks me with its dead eyes when I discovered something.  My hands aren't just for grabbing things!  They fit perfectly in my mouth!  Why didn't anyone tell me about this?  

Speaking of things no one told me, what's this I hear about the givernment (not a typo) taking more money out of my pocket to finance its hippie agenda?  If I wanted to pay for every congressman to buy a tie dye shirt and listen to the Grateful Dead all day, I would have moved to Europe (where I assume such things occur regularly).  I knew that we should have elected Optimus Prime.

Speaking of old toys from the 70s and 80s, I think I've found what I want for Christmas next year.  I know we're still about ten months away, but I figure I can give all of you some advance notice.  Take a look: 

I know for a fact that they don't make these things anymore, but I'm pretty sure you can probably find Baby Laugh A Lot in your local pawnshop.  Or in the deepest, darkest recesses of your basement, rocking backing and forth, and laughing at a joke no one told.

Dipping into the mailbag

Of all the pictures my parents have taken of me, the above is my favorite.  I'm not in a cow outfit.  I don't look like I belong in a Dr. Seuss book.  This is really the first picture of me that  truly captures the real me.  I call this picture 'Thug Life'.  Anyway, time to answer some mail.

Lucy, I call shenanigans on some of your fun facts about Pennsylvania. Jesus never owned a gun! Why would you lie about something like this? Gabrielle T., Texarkana, TX.

Gabrielle, thugs don't lie. As I understand it, Jesus loved guns.  In fact, he invented buckshot.  But I'm sure you won't take what I'm saying at face value, so I did some more internet research and I found this picture:

It is well-documented that Jesus packed heat. Next thing you're going to tell me is that Jesus didn't ride dinosaurs on his day off!

Lucy, I really enjoyed your take on Darren Aronofsky's The Wrestler and I share your concerns regarding the Oscar snub for best picture.  My question to you is this: did you see any of the Best Picture Nominees?  If so, what did you think?  Roger E., Chicago, Ill.

Well, Roger, I managed to catch Slumdog Millionaire and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.  I didn't really care for either.  Slumdog Millionaire lacked substance and was built around a flimsy game show premise.  The Curious Case of Benjamin Button had a single good moment: when Cate Blanchett gets hit by a car.  But even that moment lost its luster when my dad told me that they probably used a stunt double for that scene.

I guess my biggest problem with the Oscars (other than the snubbing of The Wrestler) is their failure to recognize the greatness of The Dark Knight.  Sure, Heath Ledger is nominated, but that's only because he is dead.  The movie itself should be nominated.  Why?  Because Batman doesn't take crap from anybody.  Not even Robin.

Lucy, you're over three months old now!  Are you sleeping through the night yet?  Janice K., Rochester, NY.

Janice, of course I am sleeping through the night!  Why?  Are you having problems with it?  

Lucy, where have you been the last week?  I check your blog day in and day out for updates and I die a little on the inside every time I see that you haven't posted an update.  Gary J., Naples, FL.

Look, Gary, I don't live and breathe this blog.  I have a life.  I have bottles to eat.  I have naps to take.  I have things to laugh at.  I have to practice rolling over.  I have to play with Raj, my stuffed monkey.  These things take time, Gary.  

That's it for today!  Keep that mail coming!  

I am taking my first road trip

Now that I can almost roll over (see above), I decided that it was time to take my first big road trip. Where am I going, you ask? Well, I briefly considered California, but it turns out that you have to be a granola-eating hippie to be allowed into the state. Other possibilities included Tennessee (I don't have a cowboy hat); New York (I don't like crowds); Minnesota (too cold); and Oregon (I don't like its shape). Then I realized that I was creating problems where there are none. I would just go to Pennsylvania!

Here are some fun facts about Pennsylvania:

1. In 1941, a penalty flag invented by Dwight Beede, a graduate of the former Carnegie Institute of Technology in Pittsburgh, replaced the penalty horn in a football game played at Youngstown State University against Oklahoma City University. The bi-colored cloth flag was replaced with a yellow flag in 1974.


2. The whitetail deer is Pennsylvania’s official animal, a designation approved by the state Legislature in 1959. The animal provided food, clothing and shelter to both Indians and early settlers to the state, and remains abundant today.


3. The first practical air brake for railroads was patented by George Westinghouse in 1869 in Pittsburgh. Because the device made braking much safer, it allowed trains to travel at much greater speeds, thus serving as a boon to the industry.


4. Due to the popularity of hunting in Western Pennsylvania, churches often commission paintings of Jesus holding a rifle or gutting a deer rather than the more traditional images of him helping the poor or administering to the sick.


5. In 1999, Pennsylvania introduced license plates that bore the state’s Internet address—www.state.pa.us—instead of a slogan. Former Gov. Tom Ridge said the new plate’s design was an effort to depict the state as “high tech, high energy and ready for the new millennium.”


6. In Pennsylvania, the value of pi has been rounded down to 3 by the state legislature.

MANTI TE'O IS IRISH!!!

Well, not really. But you get my drift. He just announced that he'd be attending the University of Notre Dame next year. In case you don't know who Manti Te'o is, he is a linebacker from Hawaii who doles out concussions like I take naps: on a daily basis. What is even better about this announcement is that we beat out Pete Carroll and the University of Scholastic Compromise. Oh, it is a sweet, sweet day to be alive. Here are some of Manti's highlights:

In your face, Arizona!

Last night was awesome. I got dressed up in my Steelers cheerleader outfit. This is probably my favorite outfit even though the Steelers don't technically have cheerleaders.

Then, with the help of instructions we found on the internet, we built a stadium out of twinkies, chips, meat, guacamole, cheese and salsa. I wasn't supposed to eat any of this, but I snuck a twinkie or two. Can you blame me though? For the last three months, it's been a steady diet of milk, milk, milk. Babies need variety too.

And then I settled in to watch my beloved Steelers curb-stomp the Cardinals. I did my best to yell and scream when the Steelers had the ball. But, frankly, that tired me out pretty quick and I slept through most of the second quarter. I woke up just in time to see Springsteen tear up the stage at half-time.

You all know the outcome of the game by now. Notre Dame could learn a thing or three from the Rooney family.

Here are Five Things I Know I Think About the Super Bowl (unlike that moron Peter King who only thinks he thinks things):

1. Monkeys are officially no longer funny. If you work in marketing, please immediately discard any ideas that have to do with monkeys. It's not 2001 anymore, folks. We've evolved. Monkeys have run their course. Find a new funny animal. Like an otter. Or a yak.


2. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen looks AMAZING. Unlike monkeys, giant robots beating the crap out of each other have not even come close to running their course. More, please.


3. I was unimpressed by the 3D aspects of last night's broadcast. I wore my 3D glasses and while some things certainly jumped out of the screen, it was at the expense of color and my comfort. This technology needs to be shelved until I can enjoy it without looking like a loser.


4. James Harrison's story is better than Kurt Warner's. He was cut by multiple teams. He spent years on the Steelers practice squad. And now he's the Defensive MVP of the NFL. And, unlike Kurt Warner, he takes pleasure in doling out massive amounts of pain to others.


5. John Madden needs to be put out to pasture. Listening to his commentary is like listening to the ramblings of a person who has just escaped the psych ward.

In other news, February promises to be an exciting month here on LEBSAB. I have a mailbag full of questions to answer, I have enemies to hunt, and I have naps to take. Stay tuned!

Winning's a Habit, Not Only a Dream

Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!  (*fans face with hands*)  Kickoff is in just under 3 hours and I am way more excited than I was on Christmas, New Year's Eve, and Martin Luther King Day combined!  I am so excited that I headbutted my dog! 

I challenge you to watch the following Youtube videos and not feel like going out and headbutting something!