We are unimpressed

As many of my loyal readers know, I recently had a falling out with Ghost Frog, my then-favorite stuffed animal. Since that time, I have had a number of inquiries from various stuffed animals across the globe. It seems that they all want to be my new best friend. Initially, I was annoyed that so many stuffed animals were so desperate for a shred of my affection. But then I talked it it over with Bailey (who has been a rock throughout this whole Ghost Frog ordeal), and she encouraged me to at least meet some of these wayward stuffed animals. So I accepted a few applications and narrowed down potential new best friends to a lucky handful.

What followed was a comical audition process that revealed each of my selected stuffed animals' personality quirks and foibles. After hours of deliberation, Bailey and I settled on a top six. I've reproduced their head shots below, along with each candidates strengths and weaknesses.

Candidate # 1: Gille the Giraffe

Gillie was a dark horse going into the competition, but really wowed us with his acoustic performance of Rage Against the Machine's smash hit "Wake Up". Still, there was something that we didn't really like about Gillie. It took us a while to pin it down, but it finally hit me last night: Gillie's legs are vastly disproportionate to the rest of his body. It's a bit creepy. It's like someone decided to put Nicole Ritchie's torso on Kirstie Alley's twinkie-filled legs. I just can't look at something that weird day in and day out.

Contestant # 2: Boris the Frog

Boris is definitely colorful and I like color. As Bailey is colorblind, she was not impressed with Boris one bit. Color aside, Boris didn't have a lot going for him. His eyes darted around a lot, and he refused to answer simple questions like "Where are you from?" and "What's your favorite football team?" Instead, he just wanted to talk Bernie Madoff, the Illuminati, and what this all meant for the U.S. steel industry. When I politely dismissed him, he asked me to borrow twenty dollars for his bus ride home. I refused. "Whatever, man," he said.

Contestant #3: My Pet Monster

Look, I love retro stuff as much as the next baby. Anyone remember M.A.S.K.? Dino-Saucers? Thudercats? Snorks? They're all great in my memory, but nearly every kids show in the 80s sucked. Period. They were just extended toy commercials with no real substance. So it looks like My Pet Monster is trying to parlay the recent wave of 80s-nostalgia into winning my friendship. I think Bailey put it best when she said: "The 80s were only cool in the 90s. And even then, they weren't as cool as the 70s." When I repeated this to My Pet Monster (whose real name turns out to be Mort Goldstein, by the way), he just looked down and meekly said "Thanks for your time."

Contestant #4: Bozo the Pony



I'm going to be totally honest with you. I just simply couldn't get past the fact that this pony was wearing pants. I don't even remember the interview (though Bailey tells me that Bozo has an interesting outlook on euthanasia), all I remember is thinking "Why is this pony wearing pants? Is this a joke? And why would a pony choose to wear pants that makes it look like a ladybug?" The substance of Bozo's interview is neither here nor there. I simply don't want a stuffed animal with a personality disorder.

Contestant # 5: Man-Cow
Man-Cow just didn't excite me. I want my stuffed animals to be whimsical and colorful. I don't count anthropromorphizing (is that a word?) a cow as whimsical. It is unoriginal and boring. I told Man-Cow as much, and he had the nerve to say that I lacked vision. It was at this point that Bailey started to growl at Man-Cow, who quickly got the point that he was no longer welcome.

Contestant # 6: Nathaniel the Monkey

Nathaniel was the total package. Both Bailey and I were sold the moment Nathaniel walked in the door. He had charisma. He had charm. He had mystique. He had us at the edge of our seats. We offered him the job on the spot. To celebrate, Bailey and I proposed that we throw some steaks on the grill. Then he uttered the most horrible words I've ever heard: "I'm a vegetarian." Bailey's back stiffened and she curled back her lips, exposing her teeth. I immediately realized that we'd been had. Pieces started falling into place. The greasy hair. The facial hair. His non-conformist way of dressing that was strangely conformist. Nathaniel was a hippie! Before I could stop her, Bailey was at Nathaniel's throat, growling and snapping.

"No Bailey!" I shouted. "It's not worth it!"

But Bailey wouldn't stop. It took seven people to pull Bailey away. Nathaniel is now buried in a shallow, unmarked grave in our backyard.

So the audition process is over. There will be no new stuffed best friend. It's just Bailey and me. And that's perfectly fine with me. Bailey is sort of like a big stuffed animal anyway. A big, hippie-devouring stuffed animal. What more could a little girl want?