Lucy Reviews .... H.R.3200 - America's Affordable Health Choices Act of 2009

I've been taken to task for only reviewing fiction here at LEBSAB, so I decided to take a crack at something else--H.R. 3200 - America's Affordable Health Choices Act of 2009. All 1017 pages can be downloaded here. Before I settled into my crib to start reading, I had a fudgie pop (see below).

Then it was down to business. About halfway through H.R. 3200 - America's Affordable Health Choices Act of 2009, I started asking myself "Who wrote this thing?" My next question was "Who's going to pay for this thing?" Oh, right. Daddy. And, in all likelihood, me.

Around page 750, I started to think of H.R. 3200 as an actual person. This actually made it somewhat more readable, and allowed me to have a conversation with it.

Lucy: H.R. 3200, are you really going to dictate what kind of care I get?

H.R. 3200: Nothing in this section shall be construed to permit the Council to mandate coverage, reimbursement, or other policies for any public or private payer. … None of the reports submitted under this section or recommendations made by the Council shall be construed as mandates or clinical guidelines for payment, coverage, or treatment.

Lucy: Wait. What? What section are you talking about? What about other sections? Who is the Council? Where are we? Middle-Earth or something? Do members of the Council have long white beards and flowing capes? I'm horribly confused.

H.R. 3200: ....

Lucy: Fine. Be that way. Answer me this, though. Are you going to provide healthcare coverage to illegal immigrants?

H.R. 3200: Nothing in this subtitle shall allow Federal payments for affordability credits on behalf of individuals who are not lawfully present in the United States.

Lucy: Well, I guess I agree with that. But wait. What's an affordability credit? Will there be Federal payments for things other than affordability credits? And what about other subtitles? You know, you could be a bit clearer on these things.

H.R. 3200: ....

Lucy: You could pretty much change your mind about everything you've told me at just about any time, couldn't you?

H.R. 3200: .... Yes.

Lucy (throws her hands in the air and throws the 1017 page document out of her crib): This is absurd. I give up. Come back to me when you're 800 pages shorter.

So, H.R. 3200, after listening to you for over 1000 pages, I've decided that your plan is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent prose were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. I am now dumber for having listened to you. I award you 0 rattles out of ten. May God have mercy on your soul.