It's all just too much

Relax everyone. Just give me a break, OK? The last few months have been a real struggle for me. First, we went to San Francisco in October. Then Florida in November. It was stressful, and I've decided I don't much like flying. And let's not even mention Notre Dame's collapse, Charlie's subsequent firing, and the ongoing coaching search. Then there's the Steelers and their losing streak. Oh yeah, and I Drink Your Milkshake, my fantasy team, went on a three game skid and I lost to a number of vastly inferior teams run by a cadre of mouth-breathers. It's just too much for a little girl to handle! So I stopped posting for a bit. Can you blame me?

But now I'm back, just in time for Christmas. And I have a lot of catching up to do. So where to start? My birthday party? My 3 hours of screaming on a flight from San Francisco to Denver (which has gone down in Air Tran history lore as Nightmare at 30,000 Feet)? Or maybe, just maybe, I should tell you about my little trip to Norman, Oklahoma the other night.

What do you think?

Yeah, me too. Norman, Oklahoma it is!

It all started last Monday after Notre Dame Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick fired Charlie Weis. I was just sitting around, playing with Francis, my car (pictured below), when my cell phone rang. Guess who it was? Jack Swarbrick himself! Now, some of you may know that Jack and my daddy used to work together, so you might be thinking that he called to talk to him.

Me and Francis are pals

Lucy: I'll get my daddy, Mr. Swarbrick.

Jack: No need, Lucy. I called to talk you.

Lucy: Me?

Jack: That's right, Lucy. I've been reading your blog. That is, until you stopped posting back in October. And it gave me an idea.

Lucy: You've got my attention.

Jack: Since you've been flying so low under the radar lately, I have a mission for you. I need a new football coach.

Lucy: Yeah. Good job on canning Charlie, by the way.

Jack: Thanks.

Lucy: So, how can I help?

Jack: I'd really, really like to hire Bob Stoops away from Oklahoma.

Lucy: That's a great idea!

Jack: But the only problem is that I don't know what his buyout is. So I need you to do some, uh, breaking and entering. Is that OK?

Lucy: OK? I'd be delighted! I'm pretty good at getting into places I'm not supposed to be.

Jack: Well, Norman, Oklahoma isn't exactly the dishwasher or your doggy's waterbowl.

Lucy: I'm well aware of that. Is it safe to assume that my mission is to kidnap Bob Stoops and deliver him to some sort of deprogramming facility?

Jack: What? No.

Lucy (smiling): Oh, I get it. They don't call you Savvy Jack for nothing! Don't you worry Mr. Swarbrick. I'll hack into the OU database and financially cripple their football program so that Bob will have no place to go but Notre Dame.

Jack: Uh, not exactly.

Lucy (whispering): Jack, are you asking me to kill Bob Stoops?

Jack: Lucy, no! I just want you to break into their facilities and get me a copy of his contract so I can figure out how much to offer him and how much his buyout is.

Lucy: Oh. That's it? I can do that!

So, under the cover of darkness, with nothing more than my blankey, a crowbar, and two of my marine-themed stuffed animals (Benedict the Octopus and Guillermo the Crab), I drove Francis to Norman, Oklahoma.

Their security, by the way, was a total joke. Benedict and Guillermo held off the a few rent-a-cops while Francis created a diversion by leading half of the Norman police force on a high speed chase.

Meanwhile, I jimmied open the athletic director's office and swiped a copy of the contract (which can be viewed here). Guillermo and Benedict flagged down Francis, and we all hopped in and made it back to Indianapolis by morning.

And you know what is most interesting about the whole thing? THERE IS NO BUYOUT IN THE CONTRACT. Go ahead. Read it for yourself.

Stoops is Irish. Mark my words.