It's good to be boss

Some of my more faithful readers may remember last Christmas when my Uncle Don and Aunt Mary Beth gave me Beastgore, my faithful triceratops.  Well, they've topped themselves again.  I am now the proud owner of two shares of Hasbro, Inc. stock.  Uncle Don and Aunt Mary Beth, I just want to assure you that I take my new responsibilities as an owner of Hasbro very, very seriously. 

It's like I've always said.  Successful toy companies don't just make toys--they manufacture popular culture.  With that mantra in mind, I've developed three company-wide initiatives that I would like implemented immediately.

Initiative No. 1: Define what we mean when we say "success"

Success in the 21st century will be vastly different than success in the 20th century.  The Hasbro of old may have been content hawking GI Joe action figures to Johnny McAverage and baby dolls to Jenny O'Normal.    Not the Hasbro of the 21st century.  The Hasbro of old may have patted itself on the back for being the second largest toymaker in the world.  But not my Hasbro.

When we at Hasbro say "success", we really mean complete and total domination of our competitors and anyone who would dare oppose us.  I'm looking at you, Securities and Exchange Commission.  This new attitude must be instilled in our employees immediately.  I'm therefore ordering that all employees report to a three week deprogramming/boot camp.

At this camp, our valued employees will learn valuable life skills, including (i) how to survive underwater when bound and gagged; (ii) close range combat; and (iii) a clear focus on achieving measurable and quantifiable financial returns on whatever project those employees are currently working on.

Initiative No. 2: More Stuffed Animals

Look, I'll be the first to admit that this animatronic stuff is pretty cool.  Heck, Beastgore is animatronic.  But Hasbro has lost sight of the power of traditional stuffed animals.  Some of my best friends are stuffed animals.  There's Benedict, Emilio, Esteban, Bunny Bear (he's a bear in a bunny costume), Raj, and Silly Bunny.  Also, some of my worst enemies have been stuffed animals.  *cough* Ghost Frog *cough* 

We need to refocus our energy on revitalizing this ciritical arm of our empire.

Stuffed animals, my friends, will pave the way to the top of the business world.

Initiative No. 3: Green Manufacturing

You can't swing a dead cat without hitting someone who wants businesses to be more environmentally conscious.  This is sometimes colloquially referred to as 'going green'.  Well, I think we should go green too.  But not the green everyone's talking about.  I ask you, what else, beside trees and grass is green?

That's right.  Money.

Effective immediately, we'll be moving our manufacturing operations to the poorest of countries and paying our assembly line workers a generous 5 HasbroBuck a day.  Once a worker earns 1,000 HasbroBucks, he can redeem them for a toy (valued at no more than 8 dollars) or he can exchange them for cold, hard cash.  Every 1000 HasbroBucks a worker earns can be redeemed for 4 U.S. dollars.

I'll have a more detailed presentation for the board of directors after the first of the year. 

But I have a lot to do before then.   Tomorrow's Christmas Eve, and you know what that means.  More breaking and entering from that crook Santa Claus.  You better bring my lock pick set, fat man!