Mailbag: Pumpkin Carving 101

I know, I know. I didn't post a fantasy football preview last week, I didn't post my thoughts on Notre Dame's JV team and its victory over the hapless Purdue Boilermakers, and I still owe you some book reviews. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Simmer down. I'm a busy kid, and my attention span is pretty short. Thankfully, though, the mailbag is full, and I can provide you with the answers to all of your unanswered questions.

Lucy, Where have you been all week? I've spent the last 96 hours hitting the refresh button on my browser window, hoping against hope that you'd provide an update. What gives? Vinay S., Mumbai, India

Vinay, I'm glad you brought this up. I spent most of last week preparing for a trip to Pennsylvania, and I've been recovering ever since. 6.5 hours is a long time to spend in a car, but I'm happy to say that my parents did everything they could to make the trip as painless as possible, including introducing me to Veggie Tales. Man, those songs are catchy. And they teach me all about the Bible and the talking vegetables that inhabit its pages!

Lucy, Did you win your fantasy football game? Or was there a letdown after your epic battle against Uncle Rick? Eugene T., Dearborn, Michigan

Eugene, I'm happy to report that I am now 3-0 in fantasy football and I am in firm control of my division. I Drink Your Milkshake is a juggernaut, and I look forward to seeing the looks on my competitors' faces when they realize that they've been bested by a 10 month old. My face, on the other hand, will look like this:

Lucy, Are you excited about Halloween???? You know what's best about Halloween? You get free candy! And you know what you do with the free candy? You make a giant pile out of it in your living room and eat it all in one sitting, no matter how much it hurts your stomach. Then you lock yourself in the bathroom and call Dr. Oz and cry. Oprah W., Chicago, Illinois

Oprah, I respectfully disagree with you. The best part about Halloween is picking out a pumpkin and carving it. In fact, that's exactly what we did today. I got all dressed up in orange and black and went to a pumpkin patch with Bailey.

There were so many pumpkins to choose from, but I finally settled on this one:

I've got to admit that I didn't quite know what to do with the pumpkin. I tried to eat it, I tried to play with it, but none of that seemed quite right. Finally, my daddy said that we should carve it. I was getting pretty frustrated with the pumpkin at that point, so taking a knife to it sounded like a great idea to me. But guess what? With a little care, you can carve pumpkins to look like things. Jack O'Lanterns, they're called. They can be a silly face, a sad face, a funny face, or a sort of scary face. You can carve scenes into them that have witches, kitty-cats, doggies, or really anything you want. It was a great time, and I'm now an expert pumpkin carver! Before I settled on a final design for my first pumpkin, I spent a little bit of time looking at my neighbors' pumpkins. I didn't want to duplicate anything, and I wanted my pumpkin to stand out. Finally, after hours of work, I finished my pumpkin and set it loose on my neighbors' pathetic attempts at pumpkin carving:

My Mommy thought that maybe I shouldn't have let my pumpkin go berserk in the neighborhood. "We have to live around these people, Lucy," she said. "Let's at least try to be nice." Well, I got news for ya, Toots. This little girl ain't here to make friends! I'm here to carve me some pumpkins!

Well, that's it for the mailbag. I've got some book reviews to post in the coming weeks, some Notre Dame football to discuss, and some pop culture to skewer. Oh, and did I mention that I can now say "Up"?

That's right. You heard me.

Up.