Some people think that my life is just one long playtime, complete with all the candy I can eat and random gifts from hippies trying to make amends with me. "Here, have a balloon, man," they say. Of course, when a balloon is offered to me, I take it. But that doesn't mean that I approve of who gave it to me. Anyway, what I'm trying to get it at is that my life is hard work and I make a lot of effort to bring you the most exclusive content I can. I've contacted publishers like Random House and Little, Brown to bring you advance reviews of books. I give you insight into my fantasy football team. And now, I bring you an exclusive interview with Mr. Charlie Weis, the head football coach of the University of Notre Dame.
Lucy: It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Coach Weis.
Charlie Weis: The pleasure is all mine, Lucy.
Lucy: Well, let's get to it, shall we? After your narrow escape from Michigan State, there have to be a number of areas in which you'd like to see improvement. But what are you most proud of? What was the team's biggest strength?
Charlie Weis: I would have to say that I'm most proud of the Wildcat formation I installed this year.
Lucy: You're of course referring to the semi-effective formation where running back Armando Allen lines up at quarterback and takes a direct snap and runs the ball.
Charlie Weis: Oh, he can throw it too.
Lucy: Yes, we saw an example of that during the Michigan State game.
Charlie Weis: Or he can hand it off to Golden Tate on the end-around. It works because no one knows what he's going to do.
Lucy: Pretty tricky, Coach Weis. Moving on, it seems like you have some major issues on defense, particularly with basic things like finishing tackles and understanding what coverage you're in. How do you plan to address that?
Charlie Weis: That's a good question, Lucy. I plan on installing a version of the Wildcat formation on defense. Offenses won't know what hit 'em.
Lucy: Uh, how will that work exactly?
Charlie Weis: Armando Allen will line up on the defensive line and have the option to put on a heavy pass rush or drop into coverage. No one will know what he's going to do. That's the beauty of the Wildcat!
Lucy: ... OK. Well, let's talk a little bit about Kyle McCarthy's interception at the end of the Michigan State game.
Charlie Weis: Oh, that was a thing of beauty wasn't it? Before that defensive series, I went up to Kyle and I said 'Kyle, I need you to play like a wildcat on this series. Just think of what a wildcat might do--which could be anything!--and do it!' He looked at me kind of funny, but he went out and did the last thing anyone thought our defense would do.
Lucy: Make a play on the ball?
Charlie Weis: Exactly!
Lucy: You seem really taken with this whole Wildcat thing.
Charlie: It's great, isn't it?
Lucy: Uh, yeah. But what about Jimmy Clausen? Over the last four games, he is 62 of 91 for 951 yards with 9 TDs and zero interceptions. Shouldn't the ball be in his hands on almost every play?
Charlie Weis: Want to hear how I came up with the Wildcat formation?
Lucy: Uh, not really. I want to talk about your phenom quarterback and why you're taking the ball out of his hands.
Charlie Weis: We're transitioning him to play receiver. Maybe we'll run a trick play out of the WIldcat formation where he throws the ball. No one would expect that, see? Anyway back to the genesis of the Wildcat. I was out bird-watching this summer when I saw something in the distance, something primal and powerful, bounding across a field. I took out my camera a snapped this picture:
Lucy: That, uh, that's a kitten, Coach Weis.
Charlie Weis: No, that's just what it wants you to think. It's a wildcat. Just like my offense. It strikes when you least expect it!
Lucy: Can you explain why it has only been marginally effective so far?
Charlie Weis: Want to see a picture I just drew?
Lucy: What?
Charlie Weis: Check this out:
Charlie Weis: BOOSH!
Lucy: Well, I guess this sort of indirectly answers a lot of questions about Saturday's game. Thanks for your time, Coach Weis. Any predictions about next week's game against Purdue?
Charlie Weis: Wildcat!
Lucy (closes her eyes and massages her temples): OK, I'm outta here. Good luck next week.
2 comments:
Mildly effective is an overstatement. I hate the wildcat!!!
I have been a lifelong Notre Dame fan and its really disappointing to see how far they have dropped in recent years. They need to hire a top-tier coach and get this thing turned around. Weiss has had enough time to put his stamp on the program and aside from 1 good year they have been very mediocre.
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