Enjoying a much-deserved serving of yogurt with a side of
gummy bears and democracy
It's time we get back to business here at LEBSAB. I've got some book reviews in the works for some great new stuff that will be published this coming July. I've got opinions about the NFL lockout, the Royal Wedding of the kind of pretty girl and the balding dude, and the state of Yo Gabba Gabba! (hint: it's not good--they are focusing way too much of Toodie while characters like Brobie get pushed aside. Oh, and whatever happened to Biz Markie's Beat Of The Day segment?).
But first, you need to know something. I haven't spent the last year twiddling my thumbs or playing kick-the-can with Spanky and Buckwheat while this blog collected cobwebs. No, I was on a mission. You see, the first thing my daddy taught me was that the when the President of the United States comes knockin', you best answer regardless of your political affliations.
And one hot July night, Barry O. came a-knockin'.
And answer I did.
I've already been contacted by a number of media outlets to tell my tale, but I decided I owed it to you, my loyal followers, to get the story first. After all, you've been very patient. And I've learned that it is easier to get what you want by being patient and saying 'please' than it is by throwing fits and pulling mommy's hair. It may not be nearly as fun, but we all must sometimes make sacrifices to get what we want.
So here it is, in slightly abridged format:
JULY 23, 2010. A PHONE RINGS IN A ROOM LIT ONLY BY A WAXING MOON. EMPTY JUICE BOXES AND DISCARDED GUMMY WRAPPERS ARE STREWN ABOUT THE ROOM. LUCY SITS UP IN HER CRIB AND GROANS. SOMEONE'S BEEN ON A BENDER. AGAIN. BLEARY-EYED, SHE REACHES FOR HER PHONE.
Lucy: This better be good.
President Obama: Lucy, this is President Obama. I need you to report to D.C. immediately. Your unit has been activated.
Lucy (yawns): Do you know what time it is, Barry?
President Obama: 8:45.
Lucy: Yeah, well my bedtime is at 8.
President Obama: Duty calls, young lady. Seal Team 6 needs you.
LUCY FINDS A JUICE BOX AND TRIES TO TAKE A SIP. IT'S EMPTY. SHE THROWS IT OUT OF HER CRIB WITH THE OTHERS.
Lucy: You're in luck, Mr. President. I'm fresh out of apple juice. Have some waiting for me when I get there. I'll be there in a few hours.
THE OVAL OFFICE, 5 HOURS LATER. LUCY SITS IN A HIGH CHAIR SIPPING ON A JUICE BOX. HER THIRD. PRESIDENT OBAMA EYES HER WARILY.
President Obama: I've read your file.
Lucy: Congratulations.
President Obama (opening a manila folder and reading aloud): Black Ops. Special Forces. Demolitions expert. It says here that you've won every medal we can award. And you're not even two yet.
Lucy (taking another pull from the juice box): Early bloomer, I guess.
President Obama (closing the file): You want to know what I think?
Lucy: Not particularly. But you're going to tell me anyway, aren't you?
President Obama (smiling): I think that you're reckless. I think that you play by your own rules. I think you're undisciplined. But Seal Team 6—they listen to you. They respect you. God knows why, but they do. So here's what your country is asking of you.
PRESIDENT OBAMA SLIDES A PHOTOGRAPH TO LUCY.
President Obama: I want you to find this man and terminate him with extreme prejudice.
Lucy (whistles): You realize that if we're successful, you run the risk of alienating all of the pretentious academics who are your staunchest supporters?
President Obama: I do.
Lucy: Get me on a plane to Guantanamo Bay. I'll start there.
President Obama (smiles): Done.
Lucy: Do they have apple juice there?
President Obama: I doubt it.
Lucy: You'll need to fix that. It's going to be a long few months, but I'll get you an answer.
President Obama: Your country thanks you, and so do I.
Lucy: You should probably send some diapers too.
CAMERA PANS DOWN AND LINGERS ON A PHOTOGRAPH OF OSAMA BIN LADEN. LUCY CIRCLES HIS EYES WITH A PURPLE CRAYON.
Lucy (whispering): Looks like we'll be setting up a playdate.
SCREEN FADES TO BLACK, THEN IS REPLACED WITH A MAP OF THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE. A DOTTED REDLINE WITH ITS BEGINNING POINT IN WASHINGTON, DC MAKES ITS WAY SOUTH TO GUANTANAMO BAY, INDIANA JONES STYLE, THEN BACK NORTH TO WASHINGTON, DC.
OVAL OFFICE, ONE MONTH LATER. LUCY BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR.
Lucy: He's in Abottobad, Pakistan.
President Obama: You're sure.
Lucy: I'm sure.
President Obama: And do I want to know how you know?
Lucy (shrugging): Your call.
President Obama: I trust you didn't use any … enhanced interrogation techniques.
Lucy: You'll have to be a little more specific.
President Obama: Some people call it waterboarding.
Lucy: Well, I call it giving terrorists a bath.
President Obama (furious): You're a loose cannon, kid! I want you out of my sight.
Lucy: With all due respect, Mr. President, #$%* that. Seal Team 6 is manned exclusively by loose cannons. If you want Bin Laden, I'm the only one who can give him to you.
President Obama: If we do this, we do it smart. We need confirmation. We need to do know for sure. It could take months.
Lucy: I've got the time if you've got the apple juice.
1 comment:
My life is now complete...
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