Mailbag: Pumpkin Carving 101

I know, I know. I didn't post a fantasy football preview last week, I didn't post my thoughts on Notre Dame's JV team and its victory over the hapless Purdue Boilermakers, and I still owe you some book reviews. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Simmer down. I'm a busy kid, and my attention span is pretty short. Thankfully, though, the mailbag is full, and I can provide you with the answers to all of your unanswered questions.

Lucy, Where have you been all week? I've spent the last 96 hours hitting the refresh button on my browser window, hoping against hope that you'd provide an update. What gives? Vinay S., Mumbai, India

Vinay, I'm glad you brought this up. I spent most of last week preparing for a trip to Pennsylvania, and I've been recovering ever since. 6.5 hours is a long time to spend in a car, but I'm happy to say that my parents did everything they could to make the trip as painless as possible, including introducing me to Veggie Tales. Man, those songs are catchy. And they teach me all about the Bible and the talking vegetables that inhabit its pages!

Lucy, Did you win your fantasy football game? Or was there a letdown after your epic battle against Uncle Rick? Eugene T., Dearborn, Michigan

Eugene, I'm happy to report that I am now 3-0 in fantasy football and I am in firm control of my division. I Drink Your Milkshake is a juggernaut, and I look forward to seeing the looks on my competitors' faces when they realize that they've been bested by a 10 month old. My face, on the other hand, will look like this:

Lucy, Are you excited about Halloween???? You know what's best about Halloween? You get free candy! And you know what you do with the free candy? You make a giant pile out of it in your living room and eat it all in one sitting, no matter how much it hurts your stomach. Then you lock yourself in the bathroom and call Dr. Oz and cry. Oprah W., Chicago, Illinois

Oprah, I respectfully disagree with you. The best part about Halloween is picking out a pumpkin and carving it. In fact, that's exactly what we did today. I got all dressed up in orange and black and went to a pumpkin patch with Bailey.

There were so many pumpkins to choose from, but I finally settled on this one:

I've got to admit that I didn't quite know what to do with the pumpkin. I tried to eat it, I tried to play with it, but none of that seemed quite right. Finally, my daddy said that we should carve it. I was getting pretty frustrated with the pumpkin at that point, so taking a knife to it sounded like a great idea to me. But guess what? With a little care, you can carve pumpkins to look like things. Jack O'Lanterns, they're called. They can be a silly face, a sad face, a funny face, or a sort of scary face. You can carve scenes into them that have witches, kitty-cats, doggies, or really anything you want. It was a great time, and I'm now an expert pumpkin carver! Before I settled on a final design for my first pumpkin, I spent a little bit of time looking at my neighbors' pumpkins. I didn't want to duplicate anything, and I wanted my pumpkin to stand out. Finally, after hours of work, I finished my pumpkin and set it loose on my neighbors' pathetic attempts at pumpkin carving:

My Mommy thought that maybe I shouldn't have let my pumpkin go berserk in the neighborhood. "We have to live around these people, Lucy," she said. "Let's at least try to be nice." Well, I got news for ya, Toots. This little girl ain't here to make friends! I'm here to carve me some pumpkins!

Well, that's it for the mailbag. I've got some book reviews to post in the coming weeks, some Notre Dame football to discuss, and some pop culture to skewer. Oh, and did I mention that I can now say "Up"?

That's right. You heard me.

Up.

Uncle Rick's milkshake has mysteriously disappeared

I Drink Your Milkshake - 107.5
Indy Holy Rollers - 83.1

My post-game interview with Charlie Weis

Some people think that my life is just one long playtime, complete with all the candy I can eat and random gifts from hippies trying to make amends with me. "Here, have a balloon, man," they say. Of course, when a balloon is offered to me, I take it. But that doesn't mean that I approve of who gave it to me. Anyway, what I'm trying to get it at is that my life is hard work and I make a lot of effort to bring you the most exclusive content I can. I've contacted publishers like Random House and Little, Brown to bring you advance reviews of books. I give you insight into my fantasy football team. And now, I bring you an exclusive interview with Mr. Charlie Weis, the head football coach of the University of Notre Dame.

Lucy: It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Coach Weis.

Charlie Weis: The pleasure is all mine, Lucy.

Lucy: Well, let's get to it, shall we? After your narrow escape from Michigan State, there have to be a number of areas in which you'd like to see improvement. But what are you most proud of? What was the team's biggest strength?

Charlie Weis: I would have to say that I'm most proud of the Wildcat formation I installed this year.

Lucy: You're of course referring to the semi-effective formation where running back Armando Allen lines up at quarterback and takes a direct snap and runs the ball.

Charlie Weis: Oh, he can throw it too.

Lucy: Yes, we saw an example of that during the Michigan State game.

Charlie Weis: Or he can hand it off to Golden Tate on the end-around. It works because no one knows what he's going to do.

Lucy: Pretty tricky, Coach Weis. Moving on, it seems like you have some major issues on defense, particularly with basic things like finishing tackles and understanding what coverage you're in. How do you plan to address that?

Charlie Weis: That's a good question, Lucy. I plan on installing a version of the Wildcat formation on defense. Offenses won't know what hit 'em.

Lucy: Uh, how will that work exactly?

Charlie Weis: Armando Allen will line up on the defensive line and have the option to put on a heavy pass rush or drop into coverage. No one will know what he's going to do. That's the beauty of the Wildcat!

Lucy: ... OK. Well, let's talk a little bit about Kyle McCarthy's interception at the end of the Michigan State game.

Charlie Weis: Oh, that was a thing of beauty wasn't it? Before that defensive series, I went up to Kyle and I said 'Kyle, I need you to play like a wildcat on this series. Just think of what a wildcat might do--which could be anything!--and do it!' He looked at me kind of funny, but he went out and did the last thing anyone thought our defense would do.

Lucy: Make a play on the ball?

Charlie Weis: Exactly!

Lucy: You seem really taken with this whole Wildcat thing.

Charlie: It's great, isn't it?

Lucy: Uh, yeah. But what about Jimmy Clausen? Over the last four games, he is 62 of 91 for 951 yards with 9 TDs and zero interceptions. Shouldn't the ball be in his hands on almost every play?

Charlie Weis: Want to hear how I came up with the Wildcat formation?

Lucy: Uh, not really. I want to talk about your phenom quarterback and why you're taking the ball out of his hands.

Charlie Weis: We're transitioning him to play receiver. Maybe we'll run a trick play out of the WIldcat formation where he throws the ball. No one would expect that, see? Anyway back to the genesis of the Wildcat. I was out bird-watching this summer when I saw something in the distance, something primal and powerful, bounding across a field. I took out my camera a snapped this picture:

Lucy: That, uh, that's a kitten, Coach Weis.

Charlie Weis: No, that's just what it wants you to think. It's a wildcat. Just like my offense. It strikes when you least expect it!

Lucy: Can you explain why it has only been marginally effective so far?

Charlie Weis: Want to see a picture I just drew?

Lucy: What?

Charlie Weis: Check this out: Charlie Weis: BOOSH!

Lucy: Well, I guess this sort of indirectly answers a lot of questions about Saturday's game. Thanks for your time, Coach Weis. Any predictions about next week's game against Purdue?

Charlie Weis: Wildcat!

Lucy (closes her eyes and massages her temples): OK, I'm outta here. Good luck next week.

Showdown with Uncle Rick!!

I'm happy to report that I Drink Your Milkshake--my fantasy football team--crushed The Fighting McLuckie's [sic] by a final score of 104.8 to 69.1. Up next for I Drink Your Milkshake is the Indy Holy Rollers, which is managed by none other than my Uncle Rick (pictured below in a beret).

"I say, this non-football related periodical is mighty interesting."

ESPN projects Uncle Rick as the winner, but I've never put much stock in the opinions spewed forth by that rag. While I agree that this will be a closely contested battle, I have to think that I have a slight advantage at running back (Adrian Peterson and Steve Slaton), tight end (Dallas Clark), and defense (Pittsburgh). I'm also expecting big things out of Jericho Cotchery (Mark Sanchez will look to the veteran early and often), Isaac Bruce (who I picked up on waivers and will contribute immediately), and DeSean Jackson (with or without Donovan McNabb). Uncle Rick will be starting Tom Brady (who looked shaky against the Bills on Monday night) at quarterback and is relying on the unproven Darren McFadden and the inconsistent Larry Johnson at running back. Yes, he has Reggie Wayne, but Peyton will likely spread the ball around a bit more than he did last week. And his other big name receiver--Calvin Johnson--plays for the lowly Lions. He could easily be a bust this week.

Uncle Rick, you've punched your own ticket on this one. The I Drink Your Milkshake train is on a roll, and it won't be stopped by the likes of you.

Walk and Roll

I just don't understand it. Everyone made such a big deal about me taking my first steps, and they encouraged me to keep practicing. They bribed me with Cheerios and juicey boxes. They even stooped low enough to steal my blankey from me and then set it on the other side of the room so I had to walk over there to retrieve it. But you know what? No matter how hard I practice, things like the above keep happening--I'll really get going, and then I'll trip and fall. Heck, I was even saying "mama" at the same time I was walking. But then BAM! I get introduced to the floor.

So I've decided that this whole walking thing is for suckers. I can get around much better by being carried. But I see long-term problems with always being carried. Someday, my mommy and daddy will be old and won't even know where they're at, let alone be able to carry me to the fridge so I can have get some animal crackers. Being the inquisitive little scamp that I am, I decided to put my mind to finding a solution to this problem.

It didn't take me long to discover the Sedan chair:

Traditionally, the luxury of being carried by others was reserved for emperors and other nobility. So I see absolutely no reason why I can't make this work for me.

In today's economy, I doubt it will be difficult to find four able-bodied individuals willing to carry me around on a Sedan chair. I'll be accepting applications until October 15, 2009. Please include your curriculum vitae, a 1000 word essay described your load-bearing experience (double spaced, 1 inch margins, and 12 point Times New Roman font), and a self-addressed stamped envelope.

Notre Dame vs. Michigan: My Thoughts

UPDATE: Obviously, my prediction was a bit off. Who could have foreseen the complete and total incompetency (on both sides of the ball) that governed the last two minutes of the game? Or the phantom holding calls on the Notre Dame offensive line and the convenient failures to call pass interference on Mr. Donovan Warren, who was essentially mugging Golden Tate the entire game? Or the overturning of Armando Allen's touchdown run on questionable video evidence (the standard, by the way, is indisputable video evidence)? I don't like to make excuses--and Notre Dame certainly was not without fault--but Notre Dame was clearly the better team and should have easily won that game.

Although I was wrong about the final score, I'd like to point out that I'm not wrong about the Irish. They should finish the season at 10-2 and make it to a good bowl game. I look forward to next year's Weasel Stomping Day.

I'll get this prediction over quickly. Notre Dame is going to beat Michigan badly today. Michigan's secondary cannot cover the lethal combination of Michael Floyd, Golden Tate, and Kyle Rudolph. Notre Dame's linebackers are going to have a field day with Michigan's stupid spread option. Look for Notre Dame to jump ahead early and stay ahead.

Also, in researching this match-up, I came across some interesting information. Did you know that the wolverine--the mascot of the University of Michigan is also often referred to as a skunk bear? It's no better than a carnivorous weasel, really. If you've ever been to Michigan, you're probably not surprised that its population might choose to associate itself with such a lowly creature. And what does one do with a weasel? Why, you put on your weasel-stomping boots!

I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!!!

As you're well aware by now, I think that football season is the best time of the year. Recently, Uncle Rick (who is kind and bearded) convinced me that it would be a good idea to dip into my 529 account and fork over 50 bucks to join a fantasy football league with him. I immediately went to work on my draft board, ranking prospects by statistical categories such as yards per carry, completion percentage, and average number of touchdowns per game (see above). I also had to come up with a name for my fantasy team. I kicked around a few ideas, but I finally decided to call my team "I Drink Your Milkshake" for a number reasons, the most obvious being my intent to take money from all the suckers in the league. See the below clip for a more in-depth explanation:

Also, on a less metaphorical level, if you did happen to have a milkshake in front of you, I would definitely drink it without your permission.

Anyway, I've decided to use LEBSAB as a forum to do some friendly trash-talking to my opponents in anticipation of the week's coming match up.

This week, for example, pits I Drink Your Milkshake against The Fighting McLuckie's [sic].

The first thing I would like to note about this match-up is my opponent's apparent ignorance regarding the proper use of an apostrophe. Look, buddy, I'm only ten months old and I know this. Either your team is called "The Fighting McLuckies" (note that absence of an apostrophe) OR you tell us why you've decided to make it possessive. Fill in the blank: The Fighting McLuckie's ________. If you can't fill in the blank, then YOU DON'T NEED AN APOSTROPHE. I really suggest that you take a look at Strunk and White's Elements of Style.

But I don't just have the edge in grammar. I've got the edge at (i) quarterback in Donovan McNabb; (ii) running backs in Adrian Peterson and Steve Slaton; (iii) tight end in Dallas Clark; and (iv) defense in the Pittsburgh Steelers. The wide receiver battle will be a bit of a toss-up, but even if I lose one or two of those match-ups, I should still come out on top.

Lucy Reviews .... What The Dog Saw: And Other Adventures by Malcom Gladwell

I'll be the first to admit that when I picked up What the Dog Saw: And Other Adventures by Malcom Gladwell, I wasn't sure what to expect. I'm not much of a nonfiction fan, and I had never even heard of Mr. Gladwell. It turns out that he's been a staff writer at The New Yorker for years and his modus operandi is simply write about what interests him. For example, in one article, he profiles Ron Popeil and the Popeil family's history of hawking gadgets on boardwalks and at carnivals. In another one, he describes how the American education system has a "quarterback problem" and proposes an interesting solution (which, it seems, has gained some traction in the last few years.

But it is the titular essay--What the Dog Saw--that fascinated me the most because, lately, I've been wondering about Bailey. For months, I assumed that Bailey and I were pretty much alike. We both walked on all fours. We both like to drink out of the water dish (although when I get caught doing that, I get yelled at). And we both enjoy competing for mommy's attention.

But guess what? We're not the same. Bailey's an entirely different species. I started to piece this together after I learned to walk and when I realized that I didn't go to the bathroom in the neighbor's yard (usually). So this naturally made me curious about how Bailey sees the world.

Well, this book answers that in an incredibly fascinating profile of Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer. Why do dogs respond to him and not their owners? What do they see that we can't seem to see in his body language?

Some other gems in the book include essays on ketchup, hair dye, the paradoxes of intelligence reform, why smart people might be over-rated, and how one man foresaw the recent economic collapse and made millions.

After reading these essays straight through, Mr. Gladwell's formula becomes sort of predictable ("Here are two seemingly unrelated things--let me show you how they're actually very closely related"), but no less enjoyable for it. In fact, it is sort of fun to try to guess how he is going to connect, for example, Chase Daniel, the former Missouri quarterback who had contended for the Heisman Trophy, with our country's much-needed education reform.

I give What the Dog Saw: And Other Adventures 8.0 rattles out of 10. If you've ever wondered about why you can buy hundreds of varieties of mustard, but only one type of ketchup, or if you are just interested in an in-depth look at what appears, at first glance, to be minutia, then you should pick up this book. It will be released on October 20, 2009, and I imagine most booksellers will have it. Or you could just click any of the links here and pre-order it on Amazon.

Thanks to Miriam at Hachette Book Group for passing What the Dog Saw: And Other Adventures along.

I have a few other reviews in the coffers, including Resurrection: The Miracle Season That Saved Notre Dame by Jim Dent and Netherland by Joseph O'Neill.

Also, check back later today when I unveil something new here on LEBSAB!

Falcon Punch!

In your face, Nevada!

Thanks to Jimmy Clausen, Michael Floyd, Golden Tate and the rest of the Irish, I spent much of my afternoon in the above pose.

What a great day! And you know what? This is only the beginning. I can barely wait to see the Irish humiliate Michigan in Ann Arbor and make Rich Rodriguez cry like a little girl (again).

Stay tuned this week, because I have backlog of book reviews to post and a new feature I'm launching here on LEBSAB. It's under tight wraps, but check back on Wednesday or Thursday for the big unveiling.

You know what I like best about football season? I get to act like this:

Grrrrrrr!!!!