I was at the mall the other day, and I saw Santa Claus. Oh, I know. I was stunned too. Why in the world would Santa be wasting his time hanging out at the Washington Square Mall? It isn't exactly in the best neighborhood, and there are a lot of empty stores. I waited in line to ask him what the deal was, but then they tried to charge me 15 bucks to sit on his lap and tell him what I want for Christmas. Well, that answered my question. The greedy pig was at Washington Square Mall to squeeze a little green out of the hard working residents of the east side of Indianapolis. Charging kids for the opportunity to give their wish lists to him? Disgusting, if you ask me.
Moral objections aside, I still had to find a way to get my wish list to Santa. If I didn't find a way to talk to him, how else would he know that I want a lock-pick set for Christmas?
So I did what any reasonable kid would do? I ordered a background search on Kris Kringle to figure out a way to reach him. Turns out that he keeps a winter place in Boca Raton. Thanks to modern technology, the whole North Pole operation is automated, so Santa doesn't really need to supervise. All he has to do is show up on Christmas Eve and do his thing. Anyway, I called the number.
Santa (answering the phone): Yeah.
Lucy: Uh, Santa?
Santa: No this is, uh, Guy. Guy Incognito.
Lucy: You're busted, fat man. I know it's you.
Santa: [Censored]
Lucy: Real mature.
Santa: What do you want, kid?
Lucy: That's more like it. What I want more than anything in the whole wide world is a stainless steel lock-pick set. Make sure it includes the 0.078 tipped tension tool AND the 0.093 tipped one. Oh, and I want a nice leather carrying case too.
Santa: Alright, kid. I need your address. Can I put you on hold for a second while I grab a pen and paper?
Lucy: Certainly.
(pauses)
Lucy: Santa?
(another pause)
Lucy: You there?
(30 seconds pass)
Lucy: This is taking an awfully long time. I wonder if he's OK.
Guess how long I was on hold. Go ahead, just guess. That's right. ALL NIGHT. I didn't want to hang up because what if he was about to come back? I finally fell asleep around five a.m.
Is that any way to treat your constituency? Santa may be in for a rude awakening come election year.
Santa (answering the phone): Yeah.
Lucy: Uh, Santa?
Santa: No this is, uh, Guy. Guy Incognito.
Lucy: You're busted, fat man. I know it's you.
Santa: [Censored]
Lucy: Real mature.
Santa: What do you want, kid?
Lucy: That's more like it. What I want more than anything in the whole wide world is a stainless steel lock-pick set. Make sure it includes the 0.078 tipped tension tool AND the 0.093 tipped one. Oh, and I want a nice leather carrying case too.
Santa: Alright, kid. I need your address. Can I put you on hold for a second while I grab a pen and paper?
Lucy: Certainly.
(pauses)
Lucy: Santa?
(another pause)
Lucy: You there?
(30 seconds pass)
Lucy: This is taking an awfully long time. I wonder if he's OK.
Guess how long I was on hold. Go ahead, just guess. That's right. ALL NIGHT. I didn't want to hang up because what if he was about to come back? I finally fell asleep around five a.m.
Is that any way to treat your constituency? Santa may be in for a rude awakening come election year.
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