Weekly Q & A

It's that time of the week again! This week's mailbag has some interesting questions, so let's get to it.

I heard rumors that during December Jimmy Clausen transforms from a troll to an elf to keep in the Christmas spirit, and after a pitiful season young kids will still like him, is this true? Anonymous, Providence, Rhode Island

Anonymous, you've been had. Jimmy Clausen (who looks suspiciously like an emu - see below) will maintain his troll status regardless of the time of year. And he will be universally reviled by the youth of America. But I do have good news for you. Dayne Crist is gaining ground in the QB battle at Notre Dame and it would not surprise me if he got some serious playing time in the spring Blue/Gold game. Plus I hear that Crist can really nail the crossing pattern.

Lucy, why did I come to visit you today if you were planning on sleeping the whole time? Lyndsey C., Mishawaka, Indiana.

Lyndsey, what do you expect? I'm five weeks old. Frankly, you're lucky I didn't barf on you. But I do want to thank you for making the trip. Lord knows it's a tough one. If I had a nickel for every run-in I had with the Kokomo police department! Luckily, those clowns couldn't catch a cold.

Lucy, what is your favorite band and why? Oswald C., Juneau, Alaska.

Oswald, this is an easy one. The Drive By Truckers by a mile. They defy classification -- some would call what they play southern rock, others would call it Americana, and others might simply label it alternative country. Call it what you will. But for my money, they can't be beat. I recommend you start with Southern Rock Opera and then go from there.

Lucy, I can't believe how cute you are! Can you please post more pictures soon? Hannah V., Knoxville, Tennessee

Hannah, of course I'll keep posting pictures. Today's selection (below) is from my black and white phase. I went through a 2 day period a week back where I refused to be photographed in color. Looking back, I think I would label this my 'artsy' phase. I drank a lot of espresso back then too.

LAGOS, NIGERIA.

DEAR LUCY,

CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL

HAVING CONSULTED WITH MY COLLEAGUES AND BASED ON THE INFORMATION GATHERED FROM THE NIGERIAN CHAMBERS OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRY, I HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO REQUEST FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO TRANSFER THE SUM OF $47,500,000.00 (FORTY SEVEN MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS) INTO YOUR ACCOUNTS. THE ABOVE SUM RESULTED FROM AN OVER-INVOICED CONTRACT, EXECUTED COMMISSIONED AND PAID FOR ABOUT FIVE YEARS (5) AGO BY A FOREIGN CONTRACTOR. THIS ACTION WAS HOWEVER INTENTIONAL AND SINCE THEN THE FUND HAS BEEN IN A SUSPENSE ACCOUNT AT THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA APEX BANK.

WE ARE NOW READY TO TRANSFER THE FUND OVERSEAS AND THAT IS WHERE YOU COME IN. IT IS IMPORTANT TO INFORM YOU THAT AS CIVIL SERVANTS, WE ARE FORBIDDEN TO OPERATE A FOREIGN ACCOUNT; THAT IS WHY WE REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE. THE TOTAL SUM WILL BE SHARED AS FOLLOWS: 70% FOR US, 25% FOR YOU AND 5% FOR LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL EXPENSES INCIDENT TO THE TRANSFER.

THE TRANSFER IS RISK FREE ON BOTH SIDES. I AM AN ACCOUNTANT WITH THE NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION (NNPC). IF YOU FIND THIS PROPOSAL ACCEPTABLE, WE SHALL REQUIRE THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENTS:

(A) YOUR BANKER'S NAME, TELEPHONE, ACCOUNT AND FAX NUMBERS.

(B) YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS -- FOR CONFIDENTIALITY AND EASY COMMUNICATION.

(C) YOUR LETTER-HEADED PAPER STAMPED AND SIGNED.

ALTERNATIVELY WE WILL FURNISH YOU WITH THE TEXT OF WHAT TO TYPE INTO YOUR LETTER-HEADED PAPER, ALONG WITH A BREAKDOWN EXPLAINING, COMPREHENSIVELY WHAT WE REQUIRE OF YOU. THE BUSINESS WILL TAKE US THIRTY (30) WORKING DAYS TO ACCOMPLISH.

PLEASE REPLY URGENTLY.

BEST REGARDS,

ABAGA EWEDAFE

Abaga, you wacky Nigerians can never seem to get your money out of Nigeria! What's with that?!

Well, that's it for this week's mailbag. Thanks for all the questions. Keep them coming! Especially you, Abaga!