My Christmas Demands

I know, I know. It's not even Thanksgiving yet. But it's cold outside and when I'm all bundled up (see right), I can't help but let my thoughts drift to Christmas and all the great stuff that goes along with it: candy canes, snowmen, financial distress, stockings, and giant inflatable reindeer on motorcycles. Of course, the most important thing about Christmas is gifts. Being that I'm so young, there is an awful lot that I don't own. I plan on using Christmas to remedy that problem. In fact, I've already penned a demand letter to that fat man and his midget slaves in the North Pole. I figure the earlier I send it, the earlier the midgets can get to work on my stuff. So, without further adieu, I present to you my 2008 Christmas Demands:

• Toys! And none of this educational crap that my parents are trying to push on me. I know my ABCs, I know my multiplication tables. I don't need an anthropomorphic cow to tell me that D comes before E! I need an anthropomorphic cow that dances and sings Styx songs when I press a button. I need something that breaks easily so mom and dad will have to run out and buy me a replacement every few weeks. You get the picture?
• A chainsaw. Look, I know a zombie apocalypse is probably not very likely and chance are slim to none that I'll ever get any real use out of this baby. But hey, maybe.
• Neck muscles. I am sick of my head flopping all around everytime someone picks me up. First of all, you are supposed to SUPPORT MY HEAD when you pick me up. I am not to be tossed about like some rag doll. Really, you people sicken me.
• Solid food. I would kill for a burger or a rack of ribs right now. This milk stuff is fine, but I need a real meal -- I need to eat something that used to have a face soon or I'm going to go crazy!