The state of Notre Dame Football

I have to apologize to all of you. I meant to share my thoughts about the state of Notre Dame Football on Saturday night. But I just couldn't. Especially with my parents stuffing a bottle in my face every time I cried. They just didn't get it. I wasn't crying because I was hungry. I was crying because I felt like this:

I won't bore you with an argument about how you can trace the current crisis to the incompetency of Fr. Edward Malloy and his 'aspirational peer' nonsense or how the hiring of Ty Willingham set the program back a decade. I won't parse the arguments for and against the firing of Charlie Weis. That's been done on other websites ad nauseam. I will, however, tell you about my proposed solution and how I arrived at it.

Saturday was a rough day for me. I slept. I ate. I slept some more. I ate some more. Then, Dad woke me up to watch the Notre Dame/Syracuse atrocity at 2:30. Then I slept. When I woke up at around midnight, I didn't shriek at my parents like I normally do. Instead, I put on my thinking face (see below) and decided to do some real problem solving.

And guess what? Within minutes, I came up with a solution to the current football crisis we face. Jack Swarbrick better listen up. In fact, maybe he should hire me. I'm sure he can come up with some clever way to avoid all those child labor laws. Anyway, here it is:

Have the goverment bail the team out! Under this proposal, the government would "purchase" all of the team's losses to get those losses off of Notre Dame's books. The resulting undefeated season would result in a berth in the BCS title game where Notre Dame would surely lose to Oklahoma or Alabama. The government would purchase this loss as well, so Notre Dame would not only receive a multi-million dollar payday as a result of playing in a BCS bowl, they would also have their 12th national championship. These funds, coupled with the profit from the government's purchase of the losses, would be re-invested in the Notre Dame football team and provide the stimulus needed for enhanced on-field production next season. Of course, the government wouldn't just buy the losses -- it would take a stake in Notre Dame football. The government would establish a watchdog program that prevents Charlie Weis from (i) going for it on 4th and 9 from his own 30 yard line; (ii) running anything out of the Wildcat formation; (iii) running fake screens; (iv) allowing Jimmy Clausen to throw ill-advised passes; and (v) name-dropping. It would also force him to (i) hire a real offensive coordinator; (ii) develop a run game; (iii) play James Aldridge and Robert Hughes; and (iv) teach his team to field on-sides kicks.

Now I know what you're thinking. You probably have two big questions. Well, I've got two big answers.

1. What is the government going to do with all of the losses it purchases from Notre Dame?

We can't really quantify the value of these losses. It is completely possible that other teams might place a premium on exchanging their own losses for Notre Dame's losses. Michigan for example. I'm sure that Michigan would gladly pay a good deal of cash to exchange its loss to Toledo for Notre Dame's loss to, say, Pittsburgh.

2. Why do I, as a taxpayer, want to bail out an institution that has largely created its own problems?

Get out of my country, you hippy.